these are several things that i came across on my anzac weekend-getaway-while-joining-a-debate-competition yet again.
numero uno: i am older. i no longer share the passionate and excitement of joining, being and wanting to win a debate competition. i seem to have passed my golden era in debating. maybe im just making excuses since i was not able to break into the final rounds nor give my very best performance. or maybe i am just over it.
two: assume everyone is taken. considering previous precedent of falling for a gay dude, i came across trying to have fun and got something that is a complete failure. i realized that it is within my best interest to assume and believe that every cute and nice guy is taken. therefore, no speculations and expectations on will-something-happen-between-us idea.
three: some people are just born to be annoying. no matter how hard you try to understand and accept them. they are just that. no need to do a psychoanalysis on it. people choose their own way of living and sometimes it is just repulsive. so deal with it.
four: the im-drunk-n-safe-me trick doest work in OZ. they get drunk all the time, pretending to be tipsy in the hope of getting some "action" doesnt work. simply because they are all taken and you might not be that drunk to just pick any random guy.
five: it is useless to constantly compare your new hangout buddies with your best friends. they will never exceed you expectations, in fact, they will never be able to see you the way your best friends have. the ones you have is the best and will always be the best. this new developing relationship might have the potential to be but will never be the same in any shape or form.
six: i dont necessarily tell people that i am involved in a debating community, not even my closest friends, and i am pretty good at it. most of the time i did it because people see this community as an elitist community with snobs that speaks english all the time. second, because i prefer the public to know this by reputation instead of me bragging about it. it just sounds a lot better when someone else is saying it.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Salaisuus
another interesting discussion went inside my head.
"salaisuus" or we know it as "secret" in English.
i once read that the person who would rule the world in this modern era would be the one who has the power to information. the one who controls, regulates and basically owns information. the thing with my society or should i say,the indonesian community, is that we tend to talk about others or basically ramble about what everyone's doing and sadly most of the time this is considered to be an acceptable behaviour. we dont necessarily feel bad, nor rude, and we sometimes justify our act of intervention if we feel that the event or action done is disgracing or going way too far of the accepted norms. so anyway, the secret part the discussion that im thinking now has nothing to do with they way indonesian talk and intervene, or maybe there is.. it's just that im having a hard time linking it at the moment. probably because it's almost 4 am.
so focus. back to secrets. i previously assume someone that holds and knows everyone's secret would have a tremendous advantage at their end in the society and environment that he or she is involved in. so this person would hold the "joker" card of those around. and therefore this "puppet master" would control, owns and maybe even influence others behavior towards his/her will.
this was then.
Now..
i still think that knowing secrets or other valuable information about others does give one an advantage (either means that this person is trustworthy, dependable or simply just someone others turn to) in their relationship and working environment.
however, i find it a bit frustrating to be able to have all of these secrets and not being able to share or talk about it. this is probably the missing link i forgot earlier on how indonesian acts and talks about each other.
before i am totally "okay" with knowing people's secret, i realized that because i can still talk about these secrets among my trusted friends. clearly, this simple point is what is missing right now. i still have the secrets yet no friends to talk about it. i find it hard to contain all of it by myself. i need to talk about it or i'll simply go mad. this is probably the way i am, i need to talk and discuss things. those people that used to be the ones i talk to cant talk anymore, they have been warned not to talk about secrets for the sake of privacy and understanding of the friendship? i say WHAT THE F*&K??? this is not fair. especially when the ones asking for this specific provisions are those who usually talk and tease.
i find it redundant to actually know all the secrets and not be able to talk about them in any manner. simply ridiculous. im still human, i think, analyze, assume and conclude events-especially secrets. what is the point of forcing a provision when the person asking for these are not doing it? it's double standard.
confused? i may not make much sense, since im sleepy, but in short the joy and advantages of having secrets dissapears when a person that is usually pretty keen in talking about it ask for a provision to be exempted from the talks just because that person doesnt feel like being the topic of the discussion, and also politely command others to not talk about it for the sake of their friendship. selfish i say.
it drives me crazy knowing all these things, and not being able to discuss it with anyone. i just cant. i may not the person you go to for your problem-solving-girl at the moment, but i dont care. IT JUST DRIVES ME CRAZY.
i still believe some things are better left unsaid. but not juicy secrets as topic of discussion about someone who is constantly teasing and poking on people's life yet still highly believes that every one's privacy should be respected and honoured (a.k.a. to be left alone).
"salaisuus" or we know it as "secret" in English.
i once read that the person who would rule the world in this modern era would be the one who has the power to information. the one who controls, regulates and basically owns information. the thing with my society or should i say,the indonesian community, is that we tend to talk about others or basically ramble about what everyone's doing and sadly most of the time this is considered to be an acceptable behaviour. we dont necessarily feel bad, nor rude, and we sometimes justify our act of intervention if we feel that the event or action done is disgracing or going way too far of the accepted norms. so anyway, the secret part the discussion that im thinking now has nothing to do with they way indonesian talk and intervene, or maybe there is.. it's just that im having a hard time linking it at the moment. probably because it's almost 4 am.
so focus. back to secrets. i previously assume someone that holds and knows everyone's secret would have a tremendous advantage at their end in the society and environment that he or she is involved in. so this person would hold the "joker" card of those around. and therefore this "puppet master" would control, owns and maybe even influence others behavior towards his/her will.
this was then.
Now..
i still think that knowing secrets or other valuable information about others does give one an advantage (either means that this person is trustworthy, dependable or simply just someone others turn to) in their relationship and working environment.
however, i find it a bit frustrating to be able to have all of these secrets and not being able to share or talk about it. this is probably the missing link i forgot earlier on how indonesian acts and talks about each other.
before i am totally "okay" with knowing people's secret, i realized that because i can still talk about these secrets among my trusted friends. clearly, this simple point is what is missing right now. i still have the secrets yet no friends to talk about it. i find it hard to contain all of it by myself. i need to talk about it or i'll simply go mad. this is probably the way i am, i need to talk and discuss things. those people that used to be the ones i talk to cant talk anymore, they have been warned not to talk about secrets for the sake of privacy and understanding of the friendship? i say WHAT THE F*&K??? this is not fair. especially when the ones asking for this specific provisions are those who usually talk and tease.
i find it redundant to actually know all the secrets and not be able to talk about them in any manner. simply ridiculous. im still human, i think, analyze, assume and conclude events-especially secrets. what is the point of forcing a provision when the person asking for these are not doing it? it's double standard.
confused? i may not make much sense, since im sleepy, but in short the joy and advantages of having secrets dissapears when a person that is usually pretty keen in talking about it ask for a provision to be exempted from the talks just because that person doesnt feel like being the topic of the discussion, and also politely command others to not talk about it for the sake of their friendship. selfish i say.
it drives me crazy knowing all these things, and not being able to discuss it with anyone. i just cant. i may not the person you go to for your problem-solving-girl at the moment, but i dont care. IT JUST DRIVES ME CRAZY.
i still believe some things are better left unsaid. but not juicy secrets as topic of discussion about someone who is constantly teasing and poking on people's life yet still highly believes that every one's privacy should be respected and honoured (a.k.a. to be left alone).
Thursday, April 17, 2008
thoughts in february
12/02/08 3:38am
I started out by feeling hungry. Deciding whether I should make an instant noodle to stop the hunger. Instead of choosing between to make one now of sleep it off, I started thinking about friends and foes. How would one be able to differentiate them? What does the saying of sun tzu’s “keep your friends close and enemy closer” mean? I can only think of one answer to the question. which is very basic and simple. In order for you to be able to differentiate the two, they would all have to be close to you, so that you can observe them and analyze them closely. There’s no use in trying to beat an enemy that you can not see or too far to be seen and conquered. And one would not be able to call others their friend if the one is never close enough to actually show that the self is a friend.
I hate being caught up in real life. having to differ friends from foe. Why can’t life be just black and white. I like my friends and hate my foes. It turns out when you are far away from your native land, things go blur, they blend like coffee and milk in a cup. I thought I had more friends, but at the moment, I seem to realize that I do not have that many and neither hate that many people, which leaves me with me. Friendless and foeless. Though the condition was not like this before, I used to have friends around, or more likely foe’s around.
Which one is better? Having foe’s as friends or realizing that your friend is a foe? At the time being. I choose none.
G!!
I started out by feeling hungry. Deciding whether I should make an instant noodle to stop the hunger. Instead of choosing between to make one now of sleep it off, I started thinking about friends and foes. How would one be able to differentiate them? What does the saying of sun tzu’s “keep your friends close and enemy closer” mean? I can only think of one answer to the question. which is very basic and simple. In order for you to be able to differentiate the two, they would all have to be close to you, so that you can observe them and analyze them closely. There’s no use in trying to beat an enemy that you can not see or too far to be seen and conquered. And one would not be able to call others their friend if the one is never close enough to actually show that the self is a friend.
I hate being caught up in real life. having to differ friends from foe. Why can’t life be just black and white. I like my friends and hate my foes. It turns out when you are far away from your native land, things go blur, they blend like coffee and milk in a cup. I thought I had more friends, but at the moment, I seem to realize that I do not have that many and neither hate that many people, which leaves me with me. Friendless and foeless. Though the condition was not like this before, I used to have friends around, or more likely foe’s around.
Which one is better? Having foe’s as friends or realizing that your friend is a foe? At the time being. I choose none.
G!!
Sunday, April 13, 2008
my Gay Radar
without the intention of promoting this particular tv series, i always learn a lil' bit about life after every episode i watch. Kinda sad it is that i had to see life from movies, but that's one of the way i learn about life and my rather "american english accent" (suggested by some people i've met).
it was on the scene where two people kissing each other. well two men to be exact and i just suddenly realized how i was a bit uneasy about it cause i was imagining my-recently-cute-charming-boyfriend-potential kissing another guy which makes him gay. and he is unfortunately. NO!! luckily the scene didnt last very long, so i didnt have to turn off the TV.
geez, i was so ready to try out new tricks and get back into the game of love. but look what life brings me, my man radar is not working. i dont know why. i always see the wrong guy. it's like i only see potentials in them but not the real thing.
is this another weak point of mine? or is this a sign that i would need to get to know myself better. coz clearly i cant see what i need. i see what i like, and wish that it would be what i needed in a guy. when i look back at my past, it's only filled with potential and BIG "maybe" but not the real thing.
in spite of my desperation for the one, i need to believe that my time will come. the time for me to find the one. and before that hundreds of potential guy will pass by thus i would have to brush up my radar and seek within me on what i need and want.
it was on the scene where two people kissing each other. well two men to be exact and i just suddenly realized how i was a bit uneasy about it cause i was imagining my-recently-cute-charming-boyfriend-potential kissing another guy which makes him gay. and he is unfortunately. NO!! luckily the scene didnt last very long, so i didnt have to turn off the TV.
geez, i was so ready to try out new tricks and get back into the game of love. but look what life brings me, my man radar is not working. i dont know why. i always see the wrong guy. it's like i only see potentials in them but not the real thing.
is this another weak point of mine? or is this a sign that i would need to get to know myself better. coz clearly i cant see what i need. i see what i like, and wish that it would be what i needed in a guy. when i look back at my past, it's only filled with potential and BIG "maybe" but not the real thing.
in spite of my desperation for the one, i need to believe that my time will come. the time for me to find the one. and before that hundreds of potential guy will pass by thus i would have to brush up my radar and seek within me on what i need and want.
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