end. beginning.

I have been wanting to post this piece since last year. As events occurred and as the process rolled. But i just could not do it. I have to many burden and fear of how this might turn out.

It all started with fear of doing nothing. fear of being left behind and fear of not being where i want to be. So i left and went straight to where it was comfortable, thinking that even if i got stuck there, at the very least, I chose to be there.

We make plans, the universe (or God or some prick) altered your plans.

It turns out, what I have become is nowhere near enough. A year goes by, another 6 months flies.

Throughout this journey, I enjoyed the stay, the environment, the people. I even tried all different kind of things to get me by. Old things, new things, all in the hope of finally reaching another level in life where your path is clear and that you do not need to look for anything else.

You were tempted by new opportunities, swayed with what the future holds as you venture through new horizon. But still, it was all just a phase and there is not future behind it.

At one point, I reached rock bottom. A place where i thought i would never be in. A place where nothing you do works, no matter how hard you try or fight for it.

What is even more unnerving is that you found out why all time, people pass you by, opportunities pass you by and you would be left thinking where the hell was I when all this are happening.

Up to here, I've been praised, put down, encouraged, discriminated, alienated, motivated and provoked.

I decided not to wait any longer. But i also do not know on where to go and where to start again.

The fear that i left behind came back haunting.

I decided to let everything go as it wants to go. Come what may... Que sera sera...

accompanied with persistence I tried everything.

yes. everything.

even those i said i would never tried.

i have lowered my expectations and put my ego aside. prepared of what may be.

The first attempt of an impossible scheme gave hope, as i manage to get a bit of my self-confident back, but the next phase was a bust!

The second try of an impossible scheme managed to gave me going all the way to the last battle. I said to myself, i better start writing all this down, but i still cant. the fear of dissappointment lingers causing me less and less quality sleep.

Finally, the day came. the day which made my mom doubted my achievements (although i am still waiting be convinced that this is an achievement).

I got in.

the second scheme pulls through, after being said to that if i were to get in, that i am either incredibly good, or incredibly well-connected; after having to convince myself that it may not be all that bad and that i may not be all that stupid; after having to hide the fact that i am not busy with anything except running schemes; after having to take up marketing and sales gig.

Gosh... now i can finally exhale...

Just so you know, the end of this leg of the race in my life is the beginning to a maybe dark, twisted, despicable place that i have to go through for the rest of my life.

I can only hope that I can stay sane and focus on what is important.

ps: i got a fortune cookie as i was waiting in vain for the announcement, it says

"You are offered the dream of a lifetime. Say yes!"

:P

Flight passengers: an observation

This is my observation. a mere conclusion of the attitude of people within an aircraft during my visit in 2010.

Mostly the attitude annoys me but i've made peace with it.

My conclusion is passengers from Jakarta to Sumatra are more hostile and aggressive compared to those going to cities in Java.

Example 1: PoS (Passengers going to Sumatra) never turn off their phone unless they are told by the steward/stewardess to do so. PoJ (Passengers going to Java) most of them follow the instructions. only few of PoJ waited to be told to turn off their mobile phones.

The same thing happens after landing, in a plane full of PoS, as soon as the plane touches the ground, specific mobile phone tunes roared. But with flight going to PoJ, i didnt hear any.

Example 2: Even before the plane came to a full stop, PoS would directly get up their chairs and take their bags and try to walk to the exit door. PoJ, although still tries to immediately take their bags and belongings, they at least waited until the plane has come to a full stop.

Example 3: PoJ does not push and shove you as aggressive as PoS does. But they all kinda disturb your smelling sense a bit.

I need to establish that this conclusion is not only derived from a one time going to Sumatra or Java on a plane. Among the unfortunate things I've come across this year, going places around Indonesia is the carrot.

These inconvenience might just happened because of my choice of "promo-ticket" strategy, but still, i like to think that most people have been on an airplane before and most definitely know how to go about it.

but hey... i might be wrong..

how about we incorporated field trips starting from elementary school level and up on how to behave in an aircraft: do's and don'ts!

You with me?

Culinary Hunt

During the school holidays, I bumped into many, many, many (believe me there were many) playing zones, hunt games for kids, or just games.

I started wondering.. why dont I make my own hunt.
Instead of doing the old treasure hunt (since, really, there is no more treasure. it's all been dried up just like Indo's forest and natural resources); I decided to try.. again try to make a series of culinary hunt.

the rules are simple, I give hints, you guess...
capish?

Culinary hunt #1
one of my favorite dish. definitely meat. definitely buttery...
the color of the place makes you think "what has got into him when he decided to use this one?" it makes you think of hello kitty.
too bad i gotta wait till sundown to enjoy it, nonetheless, every meal always ( and i mean always ) made my day!!

ps: for now, the hunt sits in the capital city of west java..

When we express things

in my spare time (read as avoiding and denying the reality of research proposal writing) i googled what people are doing. people namely past acquaintances, past memory, things and places of what is used to be.

then i bumped into picture that confirms newly acquired news. that it is true, people go to various length for acknowledgment and affirmation from their surroundings.

as I am also dwelling with ways to picture myself in further education, i am thinking, should i do the same? do i need to imprint my goals in real objects or places?

as for research purposes, i should, questions asking if you have any published materials hurts my eyes every time.

as for societal purposes, not today, not now.

as for you, i believe that whatever the purpose of your publication is, it would be nice to see it be done for good intentions, for once (hopefully).

ku tak tahu

at this point,

any questions directed to me will be getting this sentence as a response:

"i dont know!!"

enam belas nopember nol sembilan

something i found when i cant sleep.

im not sure on how to feel
not sure on how to respond.

but feels content that im not involved anymore.

but should i feel glad cause she's nothing?
should i feel glad cause she's miniscule?

his attitude is not of a gentleman.
you dont treat people like that.
you dont treat a lady like that, moreover when she's yours.

and for you madam, your disguise is clear as the sky on a bright day.
no matter how hard you tried to pull it off, you still save some for the rainy day.

looking forward to seeing you with no more denial for that day would be a day for truth to prevail.
dont let others suffer alongside of your being.
let them be free.
for they too deserve to have an admirer.

The Crater is not Tangkuban perahu

a trip up the hill is just what i needed.

some say i've been goofing around, but i'll say i've spending my time wisely. :P.
And also i've made this trip up the hill as one of my wish list before i say goodbye to Bandung (not that i know when this will happen :P). you can find the post here.

The road was not too bad. although there was NO signs on where to go about Kawah Putih. Fortunate for me, i got myself a rental car with a driver that knows directions. So the journey begins.

The trip took us about 2,5 - 3 hours from Bandung. This mostly depends on the traffic since you would have no choice cause you would have to pass through a road that is narrow, hectic and filled with angkot and beloved indo bikers (this would translate into simplified example of Jakarta's traffic).

The topography is mostly like driving to Puncak - heaps of twist and turns - but with more rice fields scenery instead of tea plantation. The view changed from lines of houses into rice fields and a group of trees (which name i dont know but it has skinnly thin sort-of-peeling trunk) and my driver told us we were close when see this trees.

A gate and a line of so-called transporting vehicle took us to the crater and the view was what the French would call c'est manifique!

The day ends with a nice lunch at Sindang Reret - sundanese.

Enjoy the picts peeps!!!













the company.



this should be enough for now.. :D

IMHO

the more i try to be something special, the more i see that i'm just acting like someone from your past!

in the still of the night

when asked of what i wanted right now,
i stood blank.

when asked of what i need right now,
i scream from the top of my lungs.

when asked to see what i really deserve,
i again stood blank.

a promise i cant keep

i tried but i dont think i could.

sorry...