not BOMBASTIC enough

in the effort  to furnish my diamond and pearls collection, i stumbled into the thought of selling my writing or the end result of me rambling. so i approach a "reporter" and submit a what i would think of as a compelling story about human life and its misfortunes.

With bold intentions and fired up spirit i put forward the idea and got this as a response : "the idea behind the story you wish to write lacks what we called the X factor. people dont want to read about someone who had experience fire twice, but if that person has experience fire five times, now that is a story".

my reactions, in chonological order, was "i hope you dont have to go through it the near future", "drama is what the media seek", and "misfortune will not make the media if it is only experienced twice, yet once is bearing for most people, but certainly not for you; five seems to be the lucky number"

despite of my willingness to push through and be persistent, i postponed my intentions and mourn the fact that when speaking about the media, jumping hoops dont cut it, one need to at least die and live again five times.

satu tahun sudah.

i believe acknowledgement needed to be put into how i manage to still be sane after 365days in this hell hole.

please refer to this post http://cerita-usang.blogspot.com/2010/11/end-beginning.html for further understanding.

just so you know, the first year celebration was a blast!!  beer, beef and besties was served!

im so ready for another year!.

boo yaah!!!!

in limbo

they say that writing can also cured troubled hearts. or at least this is what i hope to happen to me.

i cant seem to shake of the feeling that i will continue to be in this state of feeling that im in now. mostly because i, sort of, predicted that the end result will never be a win win situation.

although my identity is unequivocally blatant about who i am and where i come from, yet my self-belonging towards tribal or race attributes remained neutral, or so i believe. i am always in between. between cultures, between religions, between paradigm and sometimes between men (ha ha).

the condition of "being in between", provided me with a semi-objective point of view on things and a victim for most things. i dont really get accredited on any occasions simply because i walk it but cant talk the talk.

vague. i know.

but what i am trying to get at is that, how do you deal with the thoughts and assumptions inside your head from this condition. to be an extremist or a fundamentalist only translates into clarity, yet being "in limbo", like me, translates into endless adjustment and no-clear-cut answers for every occasion.

im talking about being trapped in a modern world, where you are no longer captivated in one small tree or one small village or even one small nationality and cultures. your travels and experience transcend way beyond simple virtue of doing things  where you only adhere to one set of wisdom/norms/rules/dogma.

again, how do you go about it?

alternative one, you pray. when in doubt human pray. ask for guidance from the divine. and hope for the best.

two, you learn from experience of the elderly. with respect and admiration towards their journey. we learn to avoid their mistakes and advance on their tips and tricks.

three, you repeat steps one, two and three.

in my case, steps one, two and three lacks one thing. in the event that step one and two collides, which one triumphs? 

we are taught to learn from the elderly, listen to their advice, but never to cope when their judgements are made from obsolete considerations towards today's challenges.

we are taught to believe in God, yet when things collided between humans, we dont preach the teachings of God but simply execute human laws. human rarely forgive and love or live life like Gods. we immediately draw the line on how human errors are not acceptable therefore it needed to be punished especially when it doesnt concern us personally. in the event that it does affect us, our errors are not acceptable.

we learn so many things, but none on how to bridge those differences between what is real and what we really feel.

for some lucky riders, their life are clear cut, they are thought that way. but for me, it used to be, but no longer. i have been exposed to a hostile community, a bullying society and a rigid, conventional traditional values in the midst of my modern and democratic life-long education.

my question remains, how do you go about when values - you are taught to believe - collided? which one prevails?

especially when both play a fundamental role in shaping who you are today.

do holler when a bell rings.

A wedding in September

Supposedly the inauguration of two love-birds into holy matrimony.

Dont get me wrong, it was a spectacular event for the newlyweds, but not so much for the guess particularly those who were families of indo-chinese decendants.
Let me just say, i too, before should be blamed for judging and throwing comments at the event. My apologies, but today i managed to shed a light into my small brain and realized that it was unnecessary.

I should start by declaring that it was not a typical indo-chinese wedding, since it was not a seated-dinner arrangement and there were no chinese dishes whatsoever yet it was, IMHO, a fabolous party.

1. The food.
Hail to PePeNERO for serving some of their finest food for the wedding. As a guest, my pallate was amused with the range of pizza, pasta, salad, bread, calamari and fruits provided, not to mention an open BAR of liquor boooyaaaaaaaaaaaah that will keep on being served until midnight.

For me or those big fans of cucina italiana, the food is heaven and you simply cant ask for more of what's being served. But not with the indo-chinese relatives, they first complained for not being able to find rice, and then moved on to tasteless food, in their humble opinion.

2. The Venue
Im not much of a wedding-goer, but this is my first time attenting a wedding in a classy, decent, delicious italian restaurant considering that this is an indo-chinese wedding, this wedding is AWESOME. I must say i didnt think that this was possible.

Indonesians do away with Balai Kartini, Hotel's ballroom, garden houses, beach party, but Italian resto? decent italian resto, open bar?? get real.. this doesn't come around that often. Some of my friends envied me for going to this wedding, cause they know they too would have a good time.

Again the guests complained on how there were no chairs and there were tired of wearing high heels. hmm.. yuhu.. i recalled the MC announcing numerous times that there are tables and chairs outside (for smokers) and upstairs. Plus, there were a bar and a bar stool.  Look around much?

3. The Bride and Groom
Now this would be what i called typical Indo commnet, not just Indo-chinese. They would say something like this: "hmm i believe the previous boyfriend was more handsome" or "eeekkhh i prefer the previous girlfriend" or "OMG look at the make-up, it's so last year" or "the dress could be use for curtains".

4. The Questions for Singles
A slight derogation to the focus of the wedding, this is just something ordinary in any Indo or probably any wedding. A question asked to those supposedly miserable singles "when will you tie the knot?" or "what are you waiting for?" or "your wedding next month".

5. The Guess
You can hear and see people wander the room to check who is there and who is not there and continue to ponder on why he/she is or is not there. Thus, make comments as to why one close to the heart (in their opinion) or one close to home (speaking demography) is not invited.

The story between the lines are these:
We often forget that it is not our wedding, regardless of what culture we are in (be aware that im not a big fan of ridiculous proceedings), weddings are about those being tied in holy matrimony. It may also be a celebration for parents who have been raising them, but the star of the show is the bride and groom. When you are the star, the odds are ,most of the time, things are going to be decorated, tailored and presented in a way that suits your preference and not others - family or not, chinese or not.
So dont be baffled by the fact the things does not suit your preferred dietary restriction, the fact that people do stay and drink till they drop, the fact that you dont like any of the things being served does not matter, it's their show.

Again, it is THEIR wedding. As much as I want to invite the whole world, and pick a venue that can fit the whole world, it is not ours to say, it;s theirs, the bride and groom. All decisions I believed has be tailored to suit their financial abilities and preferred options; unless mom and dad are the ones paying :P
Unfortunately, i live in a society that needs to invite each and every one even those with the slightest connection be it blood or acquaintance. The irony is that, everyone agreed on how expensive weddings are here, and yet, even when the resources are not sufficient, they still insist to have the so-called "INDO wedding"  meaning inviting everyone within 5km radius from home and work, oh dont forget relatives whom you have never heard or seen before but surely exists cause you uncle from your father's second cousin daughter's second wife is still alive. It is believed to be extremely rude not to invite everyone but no consideration on who should be responsible to pay for it all.
Dont even think to rebutt me with the argument of "BEP" (break even point) when you invite the big guns. Meaning you might make a profit even when you invite and throw a MEGA party. Jeeezzz, weddings are not meant to be a business (maybe for Wedding organizers) but not for the bride and groom whose goal is to celebrate their love.

Last but not least, stereotypes and typical questions. I know culture, norms and habits only change slowly through a couple of hundred years, but do we really need to uphold all the ridiculous things that evolves around it just for the sake of not being the talk of the town?
I can guarantee most will say it is not an easy thing to do (being different, going against what is considered normal) but when will it change if it does not start with us?

The bottomline of my experience tonight was that why cant people do away with us being ourself? is it so hard to just ignore or even pretend that we like everything they did cause we know it meant a lot for them?
And we are expected to care about those we barely know, how is this possible, when in our daily life where all of the interactions and experiences actually matters, those so-called relatives or acquaintences are never present?
Humans dont go living their life only of memories of how their parents won the war and how his fellow platoons save their lifes, we go on living and sorting who-is-who in our life by going through life with them, not the other way around.

Let there be more weddings like this (venue, food and choice of music wise) without the miniscule, ignorant,  narrow-minded guests.

Cursed

how would one realizes that they are being cursed?

do they turn ugly? do they stumble into a mud pit accidentally? do they go broke after 2 games of poker? or do they got their heart broken? or do they just simply cant feel and be happy?

even when one feels that they are being cursed, one would think what got them cursed? what did they do to get it? what did they say? what didnt they do?

what would be worse? to always feel cursed or to suddenly realized that we are being cursed after believing that we are born with luck and blessings?

the things that i've come to feel and realize brought me to the notion that my luck cease to exist, and that i've always been cursed but i was led to believe that i was blessed.

Pertama

one of the first entertaining conclusion i came up with at my new office.

#1 whoever get a seat close to the air con (split air con) needs to be aware, you are put there for a reason. it's usually because you would most likely still be working (or waiting) by the time the central air con is turned off.

:(

end. beginning.

I have been wanting to post this piece since last year. As events occurred and as the process rolled. But i just could not do it. I have to many burden and fear of how this might turn out.

It all started with fear of doing nothing. fear of being left behind and fear of not being where i want to be. So i left and went straight to where it was comfortable, thinking that even if i got stuck there, at the very least, I chose to be there.

We make plans, the universe (or God or some prick) altered your plans.

It turns out, what I have become is nowhere near enough. A year goes by, another 6 months flies.

Throughout this journey, I enjoyed the stay, the environment, the people. I even tried all different kind of things to get me by. Old things, new things, all in the hope of finally reaching another level in life where your path is clear and that you do not need to look for anything else.

You were tempted by new opportunities, swayed with what the future holds as you venture through new horizon. But still, it was all just a phase and there is not future behind it.

At one point, I reached rock bottom. A place where i thought i would never be in. A place where nothing you do works, no matter how hard you try or fight for it.

What is even more unnerving is that you found out why all time, people pass you by, opportunities pass you by and you would be left thinking where the hell was I when all this are happening.

Up to here, I've been praised, put down, encouraged, discriminated, alienated, motivated and provoked.

I decided not to wait any longer. But i also do not know on where to go and where to start again.

The fear that i left behind came back haunting.

I decided to let everything go as it wants to go. Come what may... Que sera sera...

accompanied with persistence I tried everything.

yes. everything.

even those i said i would never tried.

i have lowered my expectations and put my ego aside. prepared of what may be.

The first attempt of an impossible scheme gave hope, as i manage to get a bit of my self-confident back, but the next phase was a bust!

The second try of an impossible scheme managed to gave me going all the way to the last battle. I said to myself, i better start writing all this down, but i still cant. the fear of dissappointment lingers causing me less and less quality sleep.

Finally, the day came. the day which made my mom doubted my achievements (although i am still waiting be convinced that this is an achievement).

I got in.

the second scheme pulls through, after being said to that if i were to get in, that i am either incredibly good, or incredibly well-connected; after having to convince myself that it may not be all that bad and that i may not be all that stupid; after having to hide the fact that i am not busy with anything except running schemes; after having to take up marketing and sales gig.

Gosh... now i can finally exhale...

Just so you know, the end of this leg of the race in my life is the beginning to a maybe dark, twisted, despicable place that i have to go through for the rest of my life.

I can only hope that I can stay sane and focus on what is important.

ps: i got a fortune cookie as i was waiting in vain for the announcement, it says

"You are offered the dream of a lifetime. Say yes!"

:P