satu tahun sudah.

i believe acknowledgement needed to be put into how i manage to still be sane after 365days in this hell hole.

please refer to this post http://cerita-usang.blogspot.com/2010/11/end-beginning.html for further understanding.

just so you know, the first year celebration was a blast!!  beer, beef and besties was served!

im so ready for another year!.

boo yaah!!!!

in limbo

they say that writing can also cured troubled hearts. or at least this is what i hope to happen to me.

i cant seem to shake of the feeling that i will continue to be in this state of feeling that im in now. mostly because i, sort of, predicted that the end result will never be a win win situation.

although my identity is unequivocally blatant about who i am and where i come from, yet my self-belonging towards tribal or race attributes remained neutral, or so i believe. i am always in between. between cultures, between religions, between paradigm and sometimes between men (ha ha).

the condition of "being in between", provided me with a semi-objective point of view on things and a victim for most things. i dont really get accredited on any occasions simply because i walk it but cant talk the talk.

vague. i know.

but what i am trying to get at is that, how do you deal with the thoughts and assumptions inside your head from this condition. to be an extremist or a fundamentalist only translates into clarity, yet being "in limbo", like me, translates into endless adjustment and no-clear-cut answers for every occasion.

im talking about being trapped in a modern world, where you are no longer captivated in one small tree or one small village or even one small nationality and cultures. your travels and experience transcend way beyond simple virtue of doing things  where you only adhere to one set of wisdom/norms/rules/dogma.

again, how do you go about it?

alternative one, you pray. when in doubt human pray. ask for guidance from the divine. and hope for the best.

two, you learn from experience of the elderly. with respect and admiration towards their journey. we learn to avoid their mistakes and advance on their tips and tricks.

three, you repeat steps one, two and three.

in my case, steps one, two and three lacks one thing. in the event that step one and two collides, which one triumphs? 

we are taught to learn from the elderly, listen to their advice, but never to cope when their judgements are made from obsolete considerations towards today's challenges.

we are taught to believe in God, yet when things collided between humans, we dont preach the teachings of God but simply execute human laws. human rarely forgive and love or live life like Gods. we immediately draw the line on how human errors are not acceptable therefore it needed to be punished especially when it doesnt concern us personally. in the event that it does affect us, our errors are not acceptable.

we learn so many things, but none on how to bridge those differences between what is real and what we really feel.

for some lucky riders, their life are clear cut, they are thought that way. but for me, it used to be, but no longer. i have been exposed to a hostile community, a bullying society and a rigid, conventional traditional values in the midst of my modern and democratic life-long education.

my question remains, how do you go about when values - you are taught to believe - collided? which one prevails?

especially when both play a fundamental role in shaping who you are today.

do holler when a bell rings.

end. beginning.

I have been wanting to post this piece since last year. As events occurred and as the process rolled. But i just could not do it. I have to many burden and fear of how this might turn out.

It all started with fear of doing nothing. fear of being left behind and fear of not being where i want to be. So i left and went straight to where it was comfortable, thinking that even if i got stuck there, at the very least, I chose to be there.

We make plans, the universe (or God or some prick) altered your plans.

It turns out, what I have become is nowhere near enough. A year goes by, another 6 months flies.

Throughout this journey, I enjoyed the stay, the environment, the people. I even tried all different kind of things to get me by. Old things, new things, all in the hope of finally reaching another level in life where your path is clear and that you do not need to look for anything else.

You were tempted by new opportunities, swayed with what the future holds as you venture through new horizon. But still, it was all just a phase and there is not future behind it.

At one point, I reached rock bottom. A place where i thought i would never be in. A place where nothing you do works, no matter how hard you try or fight for it.

What is even more unnerving is that you found out why all time, people pass you by, opportunities pass you by and you would be left thinking where the hell was I when all this are happening.

Up to here, I've been praised, put down, encouraged, discriminated, alienated, motivated and provoked.

I decided not to wait any longer. But i also do not know on where to go and where to start again.

The fear that i left behind came back haunting.

I decided to let everything go as it wants to go. Come what may... Que sera sera...

accompanied with persistence I tried everything.

yes. everything.

even those i said i would never tried.

i have lowered my expectations and put my ego aside. prepared of what may be.

The first attempt of an impossible scheme gave hope, as i manage to get a bit of my self-confident back, but the next phase was a bust!

The second try of an impossible scheme managed to gave me going all the way to the last battle. I said to myself, i better start writing all this down, but i still cant. the fear of dissappointment lingers causing me less and less quality sleep.

Finally, the day came. the day which made my mom doubted my achievements (although i am still waiting be convinced that this is an achievement).

I got in.

the second scheme pulls through, after being said to that if i were to get in, that i am either incredibly good, or incredibly well-connected; after having to convince myself that it may not be all that bad and that i may not be all that stupid; after having to hide the fact that i am not busy with anything except running schemes; after having to take up marketing and sales gig.

Gosh... now i can finally exhale...

Just so you know, the end of this leg of the race in my life is the beginning to a maybe dark, twisted, despicable place that i have to go through for the rest of my life.

I can only hope that I can stay sane and focus on what is important.

ps: i got a fortune cookie as i was waiting in vain for the announcement, it says

"You are offered the dream of a lifetime. Say yes!"

:P

There's nothing like her

I love my NDUT so much!!

dont really know how to pay back all of the things you've given me.
dont really know how to repay all the sacrifices you given up for me.
dont really know if i can ever be as you wanted me to be.

but i do know that i will fight till the end
i do know that nothing will ever replace you in my life
and i do know that I love you with all my heart
there's nothing in the world that can stop me
from making you the happiest and proudest person on earth.