Quote of the Day

"my ex(s) are not my friends" by Buncit.

good ya mate!

Quote of the Day

"my ex(s) are not my friends" by Buncit.

good on ya mate!

on that point Sir!

this is the first day for all of you. i have decided to make this blog public (meaning you dont have to log in or be invited to see it). the very reason i did it at first was because i dont think that im ready to be heard or seen by the outside world or i was not ready to hear what they think of me.

guess what, a recent political move by the Indonesian government was enough get me all worked up 3 days before my second exam. i usually let nothing affect my mood simply because i need to stay focus. but this one did it. i changed my status several times in a day on FB (which is not usual), i googled the exact wording of that controversial bill and cursed the doings of so-called beloved representatives.

in order for me to get my thoughts heard, i need to be out there (read: start releasing restrictions on my thoughts).

however, i need to warn you that this blog, my thoughts, my stories, my cursing, is only a glimpse of who i am. nothing like seeing things in its true form - in the real world. thus i fully realized that i am letting myself be vulnerable to scrutiny by making this public, but i also free my beloved friends from the obligation of logging in their username and password (grudges that i attend to so many times yet nothing was done about it), and i get to share my thoughts and frustration of how stupid it was to just let that bill pass without further consideration.

there are several major effects that this bill brought into my life:
1. i now understand my people dont want to live in indo after they lived abroad. why people stay away from Indo.
2. i need to brace myself for the real world.

i was going to elaborate on the very details how stupid the bill is, but since i've read enough and had enough of it, im sure you can read that somewhere else. so im just going to elaborate how this affects my life and how i see Indonesia and how disappointed i am.

a very good friend of mine decided to never go back to indo. numerous reasons. i could never see why she would take such an extreme measure since i thought how can you not want to go back to where you grew up. she always told me that it's all fucked up and there's no use fighhting for a betterment. she tried living in indo after living for around 4 years in melbourne and found herself deteriorating and frustrating over little things - the things that has always been there.
i originally take that as an excuse. simply because she had found her soulmate here in melbourne.

how does this relate to the porn bill that i immensely oppose? living here in melbourne is an eye-opener for me. i came to realize the very use of following the rules and being aware of the consequences that is going to hurt you (or at least you pocket) at times of disobedience. for example, when you do not puchase a valid metcard (your tickets to melbourne transport) you will get fined, if you get caught. the fine starts from AUD $160 and it is multiplied when you get caught again and again and again. at one point, if you get caught without a valid ticket you can be fined up to AUD $1000 - FYI, as a comparison this can get you a trip to fiji for a week. Now, most of you will probably say that 'we have rules and regulations and fines in indo too'. I agree that we do, but no one actually enforce it to the fullest extent or money overules it when it does happen.
a very common issue of enforcement.

i never realised that knowing the rules would be so important and to just agree to any bill can contributes towards an invasion on your life and privacy. of course there is no such thing like respecting privacy in Indo, simply because we are not accustomed to it. it's all collective all jolly goody big family comes first before you. the greater good will prevail and the minority shall subside.

the porn bill does not put forth any amount of money you will have to pay just in case you get caught, but worse. the bill provides you with a very broad intepretation of what porn is, so that basically almost anything that arouses you can be assumed as a form of pornography. you can see it here http://www.lbh-apik.or.id/ruu-pornografi.htm.

what is worst is that it allows investigator to go through, copy your file, computer file and other kind of media telecommunication in the name of investigation. correct me if im wrong, but the very notion of having the bill was to prevent child pornography and its impact on the lives of indonesian children and probably parents. now how does invading a private space, your space, my space, your personal files has to do with preventing this? in the case of sicko paedophilias, it might work. nevertheless, a clear definition and parameter as to how these investigation can be done was not provided just as the broad definition of nudity. lets say if i were sitting down with my laptop in a cafe and some undercover cop "smells something fishy" from the way i laugh (making sounds) and decided to raid my laptop and found the Naylin Paylin video; would i be considered a criminal for having those? forgive me for my curiosity for the famous Sarah Palin, but am i guilty for just having those even without the intention of selling or seducing anyone?

i have come to realize some Indonesian law does not in any way appreaciate what is in our head or our rights as human being. we, indonesians, are just so dumb that our gov needs to control what is in our head. a very 'noble' quest that serve no one any good. we, Indonesians, need to be reminded of how hard life can be in an interfaith marriage by the "only those who have the same religion can marry" policy.
i was so dissappointed to see that the very representative that i voted passed this ridiculous bill, because i realised that the application of this bill can invade my life, my privacy.

guess what, i was probably overacting. a friend of mine slap me on the face and said "gracia, havent you got used to this by now? they always do that. we are surrounded by stupidity. they always figure out more ridiculous way of protecting children, citizens, intellectual property, yet, no real enforcement will come into play. a mere rhetoric"

Ironic.

i've travelled overseas to be able to enrich myself with the hope of bringing betterment to my country (and to travel for sure!!) only to find that i have been cut short. how can one not want to stay here? - in the developed country - and never go back. despite the past stigma of discrimination and bad policy attitude towards immigrants, privacy is still respected. a typical case of brain drain, all those who have the ability and opportunity to escape will and have used it to stay away from indonesia. leaving it with less and less gifted human resources. im not saying that there is no more brilliant people, but can you imagine how far Indonesia can progress with most of its educated and talented people working together? a milestone.
Indonesia has about 230 million people (cia factbook, 2008). how many is educated or hold a degree? for what i realised, only few lucky ones gets a chance to experience tertiary education abroad and sadly most are not so looking forward to go back.

man, this posting is long and still i feel that i still have more to write. but i need to stop now. there's no use prolonging this agony further. bottom line, my views of Indo changed (yes deb, im admitting that), i am not so keen of going back as i was before. However, i must go back. for what? mostly because my contract with AusAid said so, or i will have to pay them back, which is not an option. because i want to see my mom. because i still hope that progress is not an utopic idea. and because by staying away would leave my country with less and less ingredients to move forward.

this is, at least, how i stand at the moment. who knows my government will come up with even more "genius" ways to keep me away from going back.

Mmmhhh....

a good friend of mine told me that i should just get a dumb-goodlooking-greatINbed bloke. He reckons i dont need a guy to take care of me, i should get one that just looks good and can give me great sex.

Ha Ha..

i smiled. but then again.. this might work.. :P

hey world

what can you do for the world? you got a lot of things to say (maybe a lot of actions and ideas) but nothing seems to work.
what can you do? seriously..

independence day.. yawn

happy independence day!!! said an sms early in the morning.

im like.. (yawn) heh?

i replied thanks. and went back to bed.

another day in a foreign land not attending the independence ceremony. should i feel guilty cause i dont have the patriotic slash nationalism spirit rushing through my blood. mmmhhh... dont think so.

but i do question my sense of nationalism. not saying that i might chance my nationality but do we need to really get up and yell our heart out just to be recognized as someone with great sense of nationalism? again.. dont think so.

blogging - new way of getting at things

if you have the time, or simply bored with your live, have a look at the this


that is basically a blog posting from my junior in Parahyangan Cathollic University. the posting is considered provocative, a work of a genius simply because it honestly laid out what is really going on in my beloved campus - the politics they say.

what i would like to highlight is not the essence though, although it is genuis and absolutely entertaining and genius, i would like to highlight the use of blogs as an arena for a peaceful discussion, an open-minded sharing sphere. Moreover, a peaceful way of exercising democracy. Now, i dont know whether or not there are fights beyond the blog discussion. But so far, i am seeing this blogger and blog post as an improvement of how the younger generation are discussing issues amongst themselves peacefully.

This would signify how "old" i am. A dinosaur in using technology and internet to excel my abilities in writing and creating discussions. I am aware that my blog is limited, (too) personal and is limited to my life. I really do hope within time, i would be able to produce something that i am willing to share with the world, without being afraid of what might occur out of it. I am still a baby in terms of exposing myself to the world. In my defense, i do this because i have been hurt so many times the wounds are not even dry yet. nevertheless, i should not let this stop me, as they say "What does not kill you, makes you stronger".

As for my juniors, i am really proud of you all (too bad you wont be able to read this post) and i hope i can be as brave.

Shut

Seriously, do you think that will pissed me off? not a chance. Im too happy and nothing's gonna ruin it for me. You just dont mean that much to me anymore.

However, i should have kept my mouth shut. Geez gracia, havent you learned anything yet? Being honest does not always do you good.

Which one am I?

iF you were to guess, which big sister would i be?
(a) the cool sister
(b) the responsible sister
(c) the mean sister
(d) the i-dont-care sister
(e) the why-were-you-even-born-i-should've-been-the-only-child sister

or what?

doubt

as i went through reading my intl law exam, i realised that i may not have done that good in answering the question. so where did i get all those confidence ? i always thought that this is something that i am actually good at. but it turns out.. this may not. or at least i gotta wait until my results are out.

i cant help thinking that i might have just created this delusion that i did great without even doing remotely close to great. yet i managed to believe it to be and went on having all this positive attitude in studying for the last exam.

tried calling Ndut for consolation, but the line was busy. wad the hell? she would probably yell at me and repeated time and time again where did all this negative and lack of self confident comes from as i am not like that at all. i dont know.

my inquisitiveness is finally taking its revenge on me. i dont think i did that bad. but i cant be that sure that i have done great. we will have to see.

Cinderella Syndrome

while growing up, i was always a big fan of movies and basically mostly everything on TV. probably because i didnt have any siblings to play and fight with, yes just in case you didnt notice i am an ONLY child. :D

one of my biggest favorite movies is of course Cinderella. the idea that there will be someone who is going to come and rescue me stick with me all this time, well it has decreased as grew up but it is still there - me wanting my own knight in shining armor.

as i am trying to get my intl law exam done, the movie "Wedding Planner" was on TV and i've watched it a 'gezillion' times before. but still the romance felt real and the feeling of getting someone you love and marrying them is an unbelievable feeling that i would like to experience in the future.

anyway.. my point is that, this particular sensation that i get even after seeing this movie or any feel-good-movie-with-modern-version-of-cinderella-syndrome still gets me. im a sucker for cinderella movies - modern or obsolete. they all have the same idea, there will always be a knight for every "not-so-royal-and-lucky" princess.

*wink *wink

Setahun kemarin

just wanted to make sure i posted something to mark my one year existence in Melbourne. well if the date in this post says May 25th, 2008 then, it;s a year and a day. coz i was planning to write something on the 24th but something came up :D -good home-cooked dinner by Chris.

one year, i dont even know what to say.
less then 8 more months to go.
Ca yo!!!!
Ganbatte!!!

Kasian sekali aku

Gak tau kenapa, hari ini terasa sepi sekali. Semua orang seperti nya sibuk dengan urusannya masing masing, dan aku mungkin harusnya sibuk juga dengan tugas dan take home exam. Tapi kenyataannya tidak begitu, aku merindukan kabar orang orang di sekitar ku dan mereka yang jauh disana. Bisa saja ini terjadi karena aku sedang sekali lagi menunda nunda kewajibanku sebagai mahasiswi. Tapi apa iya, kita gak bisa ngobrol ngobrol di tengah menghela napas dari mengerjakan tugas?

Tapi mungkin bukan itu intinya. Aku memang merasa kesepian dan sendirian. Tiada yang bisa di ajak bicara dan juga tidak punya siapa siapa yang mengajak bicara. Di poin yang pertama mungkin tidak ada yang bisa di ajak bicara terjadi karena aku juga tidak mencari orang buat di ajak bicara. Yang kedua memang benar ada nya. tidak punya siapa pun untuk di ajak bicara karena memang tidak ada yang mencari ku untuk di ajak berbicara.

Kasian sekali diriku ini. Bahkan tumpuan hati dan orang yang paling bisa ku andalkan pun tidak bisa ku ajak bicara. Si dia yang selalu menunggu telepon ku kali ini tidak pernah ada untuk menjawab telepon ku. Mungkin selama ini pikiran ku saja yang gila karena percaya kalau telepon ku di tunggu tunggu, padahal sama sekali tidak. Kasian sekali aku.

Kuat sekali dorongan untuk berbincang bincang dan bercanda tawa. Hampir gila rasanya membendung keinginan dan keputusasaan ku untuk memiliki teman berbincang bincang. Seharusnya bisa ku tepis semua pikiran pikiran bodoh yang membuang buang waktu ku ini. Tapi kenyataan nya aku tidak bisa. Apa salah ku? apa lagi yang harus ku perbuat agar semua ini berubah? Semakin jelas buat ku saat ini, selain kehilangan diri ku sendiri, aku juga telah kehilangan teman teman terbaik dalam hidup ku di tanah terasing ini tanpa bisa ku sadari sebabnya.

Setelah ku coba untuk mengajak orang lain berbicara, hasilnya tetap sama saja, aku seperti orang gila yang kelebihan energi dan bersemangat untuk berbicara mengenai hal hal tidak penting. Sementara orang itu di ujung sana sibuk membereskan tugasnya atau permainan komputernya dan hanya menjawab sekenanya saja. Kasian sekali aku.

Adakah yang juga merasa begini? Ku rasa tidak ,mereka semua terlihat bahagia dan antusias dengan kehidupan nya masing masing, apapun bentuk kehidupan mereka. Kalau hanya aku saja yang begini, berarti memang aku masalahnya. Kasian sekali aku.

Pelajaran berharga yang kupetik dari kejadian ini. Ketika hasrat dan dorongan untuk berbicara begitu kuat, janganlah mencari cari orang untuk di ajak bicara ketika aku tau aku tidak akan bisa menerima dengan lapang dada respon ala kadarnya. Jangan berharap semua orang juga antusias untuk berbicara dengan ku.

Buka mata mu lebar lebar BODOH!! Mana mungkin ada orang yang begitu antusiasnya mau berbicara dengan mu!!

Kasian sekali aku.

Ketika tiada kata yang bisa menggambarkan apa yang ku rasakan

hehehe..

setelah di sadari, hanya ada satu posting blog ku yang berbahasa indo. maka ku buat lah satu lagi.

kali ini posting nya gak akan panjang panjang. karena intinya memang singkat.

jadi karena peristiwa hidup dan pengalaman ku yang hampir setahun di melbourne ini begitu mengesankan. aku terjebak dalam kebisuan, karena tidak bisa mengungkapkan apa yang ku rasakan dengan kata kata.

i know the next thing im gonna say is gonna be cheesy, but it is true. setelah menonton DVD hasil paksaan dan bujukan seorang teman, gue akhirnya menemukan kata kata yang bisa menggambarkan dengan jelas perasaan gue. simpel saja kalimatnya, dan bunyinya seperti ini:

"i am no longer treated like shit because i know how to manipulate people in my relationship. but what is the use of being good at manipulating people to your needs when you can no longer have an honest relationship. it is just not worth it"

persis seperti apa yang kurasakan.
apa gunanya bisa mendapatkan segalanya ketika tidak ada lagi kejujuran di dalamnya.

Salaisuus

another interesting discussion went inside my head.

"salaisuus" or we know it as "secret" in English.
i once read that the person who would rule the world in this modern era would be the one who has the power to information. the one who controls, regulates and basically owns information. the thing with my society or should i say,the indonesian community, is that we tend to talk about others or basically ramble about what everyone's doing and sadly most of the time this is considered to be an acceptable behaviour. we dont necessarily feel bad, nor rude, and we sometimes justify our act of intervention if we feel that the event or action done is disgracing or going way too far of the accepted norms. so anyway, the secret part the discussion that im thinking now has nothing to do with they way indonesian talk and intervene, or maybe there is.. it's just that im having a hard time linking it at the moment. probably because it's almost 4 am.

so focus. back to secrets. i previously assume someone that holds and knows everyone's secret would have a tremendous advantage at their end in the society and environment that he or she is involved in. so this person would hold the "joker" card of those around. and therefore this "puppet master" would control, owns and maybe even influence others behavior towards his/her will.

this was then.

Now..
i still think that knowing secrets or other valuable information about others does give one an advantage (either means that this person is trustworthy, dependable or simply just someone others turn to) in their relationship and working environment.
however, i find it a bit frustrating to be able to have all of these secrets and not being able to share or talk about it. this is probably the missing link i forgot earlier on how indonesian acts and talks about each other.

before i am totally "okay" with knowing people's secret, i realized that because i can still talk about these secrets among my trusted friends. clearly, this simple point is what is missing right now. i still have the secrets yet no friends to talk about it. i find it hard to contain all of it by myself. i need to talk about it or i'll simply go mad. this is probably the way i am, i need to talk and discuss things. those people that used to be the ones i talk to cant talk anymore, they have been warned not to talk about secrets for the sake of privacy and understanding of the friendship? i say WHAT THE F*&K??? this is not fair. especially when the ones asking for this specific provisions are those who usually talk and tease.

i find it redundant to actually know all the secrets and not be able to talk about them in any manner. simply ridiculous. im still human, i think, analyze, assume and conclude events-especially secrets. what is the point of forcing a provision when the person asking for these are not doing it? it's double standard.

confused? i may not make much sense, since im sleepy, but in short the joy and advantages of having secrets dissapears when a person that is usually pretty keen in talking about it ask for a provision to be exempted from the talks just because that person doesnt feel like being the topic of the discussion, and also politely command others to not talk about it for the sake of their friendship. selfish i say.

it drives me crazy knowing all these things, and not being able to discuss it with anyone. i just cant. i may not the person you go to for your problem-solving-girl at the moment, but i dont care. IT JUST DRIVES ME CRAZY.

i still believe some things are better left unsaid. but not juicy secrets as topic of discussion about someone who is constantly teasing and poking on people's life yet still highly believes that every one's privacy should be respected and honoured (a.k.a. to be left alone).

thoughts in february

12/02/08 3:38am
I started out by feeling hungry. Deciding whether I should make an instant noodle to stop the hunger. Instead of choosing between to make one now of sleep it off, I started thinking about friends and foes. How would one be able to differentiate them? What does the saying of sun tzu’s “keep your friends close and enemy closer” mean? I can only think of one answer to the question. which is very basic and simple. In order for you to be able to differentiate the two, they would all have to be close to you, so that you can observe them and analyze them closely. There’s no use in trying to beat an enemy that you can not see or too far to be seen and conquered. And one would not be able to call others their friend if the one is never close enough to actually show that the self is a friend.

I hate being caught up in real life. having to differ friends from foe. Why can’t life be just black and white. I like my friends and hate my foes. It turns out when you are far away from your native land, things go blur, they blend like coffee and milk in a cup. I thought I had more friends, but at the moment, I seem to realize that I do not have that many and neither hate that many people, which leaves me with me. Friendless and foeless. Though the condition was not like this before, I used to have friends around, or more likely foe’s around.

Which one is better? Having foe’s as friends or realizing that your friend is a foe? At the time being. I choose none.

G!!

bau, ragu, lagu.

as i walked into my room i smelt a familiar perfume. definitely not mine. this was the typical smell that started to accompany my days these past weeks. not all the time, but the frequency is increasing. not really sure what this feeling im feeling now means. a friend said to enjoy what is here now and worry about the future later for no one can really tell what the future holds.

the new kid on the block. well not as such but that's just the way things are at the moment. me the new kid on the block party. dominated by narcissistic, critical, arrogant , self-serving, smart-ass crowd. i was one of them, yet now i am a greenie. it's a whole new ball game. i should cherish this moment as it provides me with a second chance to prove that my "skills" still does matter, but somehow going through the process the way i am now, doesnt really entice me that much or at least as much as it used to be. what is the matter with me? most people would beg for this opportunity, why arent i?

new tunes and beat filled my night, as i enjoyed my dinner at our usual hang-out- place-and-cheap-karaoke restaurant. didnt really do the regular play, nor did i sing the regular songs but it was fun. a whole new atmosphere arises. still amazed by how easy i can be around boys who knows how to play their musical instruments right.

in conclusion, these images kept on popping up. either things we laughed about, songs we like, movies we've seen, or the smell of the perfume it all reminds me of you. cant really let this continue. bummer.

true friends

some say they come and go like the wind.
yet im lucky to say that i have some that are here to stay.

i had an argument today that contrast friends and family. the opposite opinion would suggest that true friends are nonexistent. you will end up being hurt and wounded, not the case with families. it is believed that the blood that ties you with your family member would immediately put them as the best source of aid and comfort.

understanding that what i'm about to say doesn't apply to everyone and varies based on the given person and circumstances, but this is what i conclude over the past 27 years of my existence. i am blessed to have them as my friends, whom i considered true friends. most of the time friends let you down, disappoints you and eventually betray you. nevertheless, rest assured that if you look close enough and be one, you will at least found one if not many.

as far as family goes, i agree that the blood and genetic connection is undeniable, yet the very existence and reliance on them in terms of understanding and helping in difficult times is still questionable. not everyone does it. not every one wants to.

this is where i give my friends the credit. when you are related, you would be bound to help and share or even understand, not necessarily wanting to do all of it. with friends, however, those who stayed and stood by you are those who are voluntarily and willingly want to help and understand you (and i mean real ones, not the ones with hidden agenda or looking for fringe benefits).

as much i want people to agree with me, i will let this one slide. as i discussed this issue with an average-reasonable-person, we agreed that it all goes down to notion of trust. who do you trust the most? regardless of the blood connection or probably your worst enemy, it is the hardest thing to build trust and to maintain trust.

i only wish i had the chance to conclude this argument with the above statement. but i didn't, or to be precise we didn't. the train stopped and we had to get off. leaving an argument hanging before going to bed is seen to be the worst thing that will put you off your sleep. at least for me.

the end is the beginning

im almost done with the last assignment. finally the agony is ending.. but guess what.. how ironic it is to be a student in a foreign land.. you dont get to rest.

my exam is less than a month away, after this weekend, hardwork is written all over it.. LET'S fight till the END!!!! never give up..

i need to do this right.

It's time to move on and fight back

got my results back.. for my second assignment. not the end of the world. and i could have done better and i will try my best to do better.

enough panicking and complaining and spending endless nights in fear. now, it's time to fight back and move on...

hopefully, i can learn and do more and achieve more.

wish me luck.