in limbo

they say that writing can also cured troubled hearts. or at least this is what i hope to happen to me.

i cant seem to shake of the feeling that i will continue to be in this state of feeling that im in now. mostly because i, sort of, predicted that the end result will never be a win win situation.

although my identity is unequivocally blatant about who i am and where i come from, yet my self-belonging towards tribal or race attributes remained neutral, or so i believe. i am always in between. between cultures, between religions, between paradigm and sometimes between men (ha ha).

the condition of "being in between", provided me with a semi-objective point of view on things and a victim for most things. i dont really get accredited on any occasions simply because i walk it but cant talk the talk.

vague. i know.

but what i am trying to get at is that, how do you deal with the thoughts and assumptions inside your head from this condition. to be an extremist or a fundamentalist only translates into clarity, yet being "in limbo", like me, translates into endless adjustment and no-clear-cut answers for every occasion.

im talking about being trapped in a modern world, where you are no longer captivated in one small tree or one small village or even one small nationality and cultures. your travels and experience transcend way beyond simple virtue of doing things  where you only adhere to one set of wisdom/norms/rules/dogma.

again, how do you go about it?

alternative one, you pray. when in doubt human pray. ask for guidance from the divine. and hope for the best.

two, you learn from experience of the elderly. with respect and admiration towards their journey. we learn to avoid their mistakes and advance on their tips and tricks.

three, you repeat steps one, two and three.

in my case, steps one, two and three lacks one thing. in the event that step one and two collides, which one triumphs? 

we are taught to learn from the elderly, listen to their advice, but never to cope when their judgements are made from obsolete considerations towards today's challenges.

we are taught to believe in God, yet when things collided between humans, we dont preach the teachings of God but simply execute human laws. human rarely forgive and love or live life like Gods. we immediately draw the line on how human errors are not acceptable therefore it needed to be punished especially when it doesnt concern us personally. in the event that it does affect us, our errors are not acceptable.

we learn so many things, but none on how to bridge those differences between what is real and what we really feel.

for some lucky riders, their life are clear cut, they are thought that way. but for me, it used to be, but no longer. i have been exposed to a hostile community, a bullying society and a rigid, conventional traditional values in the midst of my modern and democratic life-long education.

my question remains, how do you go about when values - you are taught to believe - collided? which one prevails?

especially when both play a fundamental role in shaping who you are today.

do holler when a bell rings.

end. beginning.

I have been wanting to post this piece since last year. As events occurred and as the process rolled. But i just could not do it. I have to many burden and fear of how this might turn out.

It all started with fear of doing nothing. fear of being left behind and fear of not being where i want to be. So i left and went straight to where it was comfortable, thinking that even if i got stuck there, at the very least, I chose to be there.

We make plans, the universe (or God or some prick) altered your plans.

It turns out, what I have become is nowhere near enough. A year goes by, another 6 months flies.

Throughout this journey, I enjoyed the stay, the environment, the people. I even tried all different kind of things to get me by. Old things, new things, all in the hope of finally reaching another level in life where your path is clear and that you do not need to look for anything else.

You were tempted by new opportunities, swayed with what the future holds as you venture through new horizon. But still, it was all just a phase and there is not future behind it.

At one point, I reached rock bottom. A place where i thought i would never be in. A place where nothing you do works, no matter how hard you try or fight for it.

What is even more unnerving is that you found out why all time, people pass you by, opportunities pass you by and you would be left thinking where the hell was I when all this are happening.

Up to here, I've been praised, put down, encouraged, discriminated, alienated, motivated and provoked.

I decided not to wait any longer. But i also do not know on where to go and where to start again.

The fear that i left behind came back haunting.

I decided to let everything go as it wants to go. Come what may... Que sera sera...

accompanied with persistence I tried everything.

yes. everything.

even those i said i would never tried.

i have lowered my expectations and put my ego aside. prepared of what may be.

The first attempt of an impossible scheme gave hope, as i manage to get a bit of my self-confident back, but the next phase was a bust!

The second try of an impossible scheme managed to gave me going all the way to the last battle. I said to myself, i better start writing all this down, but i still cant. the fear of dissappointment lingers causing me less and less quality sleep.

Finally, the day came. the day which made my mom doubted my achievements (although i am still waiting be convinced that this is an achievement).

I got in.

the second scheme pulls through, after being said to that if i were to get in, that i am either incredibly good, or incredibly well-connected; after having to convince myself that it may not be all that bad and that i may not be all that stupid; after having to hide the fact that i am not busy with anything except running schemes; after having to take up marketing and sales gig.

Gosh... now i can finally exhale...

Just so you know, the end of this leg of the race in my life is the beginning to a maybe dark, twisted, despicable place that i have to go through for the rest of my life.

I can only hope that I can stay sane and focus on what is important.

ps: i got a fortune cookie as i was waiting in vain for the announcement, it says

"You are offered the dream of a lifetime. Say yes!"

:P

and we're back at christmas...

a very merry xmas to all of you..
cant believe it's been a year since Melb. how i miss my days there..
a brief recap of my xmas so far..

d-day minus 2 xmas cake arrives - a good sign. dinner with the girls, although the service sucked, the company was a complete opposite - lop u pul gals!. went home and got a new purse.

d-day minus 1 Christmas eve mass - managed to secure great seats, fully air con. the night ended with great dinner with ndut and bff.

D-day splendid day, good xmas food (ndut's cooking of course), excited about dinner... went to dinner, stuffed, a brink of smile while sipping caramel machiato, the night was ruined cause bike carashed onto my car from rear, leaving me with a broken backlight, displaced bumper AND a deepening hate towards motorbike riders. seriously guys, do you really think you have nine lives?

i havent arrived at my conclusion yet, since the weekend is still ahead of me. let's just see what xmas weekend brings me.. fingers crossed.

Plan B

it was not until today i realized what has been interrupting my sleep. without exams and all i should be sleeping like a pig, but i wasnt. havent been able to get a GOOD sleep.
as i met Linette (a lady learning bahasa), i have come to realized that there's a possibility that ndut wont be able to get the visa in time to be here with the tickets i bought her and for my graduation. this is november and she is scheduled to leave jakarta nov 29th. the travel agent she's using suggest that it would take 10 days max to get her visa. this is if she gets her visa. today is nov 14, ten days means 24 nov. if rejected, another ten days would mean getting a refund on her ticket.

jesus christ, i have been screaming (on my emails) and telling her to get her visa application in since september, but no. she didnt listen. partly because my cousin and aunt are coming also, and the cousin admit that he has an inside connection and things will be done in a day. and then my aunt's son died, she went to medan, singapore and only GOD knows where else. bottom line, up until early this month, there was no way of knowing her whereabouts or getting her passport to be processed.
the other part was because she didnt listen to me. and because she figured nothing can go wrong.

well as much as i hoped NOTHING is going to go wrong, i need to come up with a plan.

so here it goes, if her visa is denied and she is not able to be here for my graduation, i will stay in OZ until january. the point is to postpone going back, get a job, earn some more dough. my visa expires 31 jan 09 anyway. and i inteded to say or new years in Melbourne at first, but since she was coming for graduation , i thought there's nothing wrong with going back together.
but now, if this happens, i just was to stay and earn some more money. or earn more vacation.

this decision can be or may well be considered as a punishment for her (and/or me), but i've made up my mind. it's not like i didnt remind her or anything. as for my cousin and my aunt, if they cancelled their trip, hey, more money to save or to spend on travelling.

im just sad, dissapointed yet hopeful it will not come to this.

i need to party!!!
ps: due to my frustration, another damage control measure was taken. a new haircut was done today. pictures coming soon.

Red Emperor

one of the best Peking Duck in Melbourne.

i gotta warn you though, they sell by the slice. so dont get your hopes up or imagine anything like Half a duck or even a whole duck with a student budget. they sell per 2 pieces for AUD$15. ridiculous.

thank God it was DELICIOUS.

nutty sugar high

think happy thoughts...

think happy places...

think happy people...

think happy things!!!!

Essay(s)

two down..

one to go..

and one MASSIVE research to go.

Ganbatte!!!!

Essay(s)

one down

three more to go

sigh

Courtesy

i dont know why this stupid thing still pisses me off. i cant help wondering why? what were they thinking? is this what the world has gone to be? to be honest, none of this is my fault or my doing, but i just cant help noticed how people can just be so F*&^%$^ ignorant and rude. maybe im in the wrong place and the wrong time.

....

they say a picture paints a thousand word. This is my comment on your complaints.

being happy for others does not always do you good

knowing that your friend got a new job after months of unemployment is supposed to be a good thing. i am supposed to be happy for him. i am happy for him, really. but there's a small problem.
since my housemate is leaving for US sometime in the future, and since up until now we havent been able to get a replacement and a girl who was supposed to be the replacement bailed. shit. my other roommate - the couple - is thinking of moving out. only God knows when they are going to move out.

this was not an issue until two hours ago. i was told that they are thinking of moving out. shit. i cant move in the middle of the semester, it's when all my assignments are killing me. i need to know for sure what is really going to go down. i cant look for a house when im drowning in my assignments.
if i have to move i need to look for room 'stat'. and i dont want to wait until they got a place, i will be beaten by the newbies looking for home. trust me the competition is ugly.

or.. if i can get another housemate that we all agress, that my ass is safe at least until december.

ARGH!!!!!!

social butterfly

a very interesting afternoon chat with a friend led to the comment that i am perceived as a social butterfly to some.

social butterfly (dictionary.reference.com) means: a very sociable person who flits from one social event to another.

it is said that my social and networking skills are the most obvious of all and this is suppose to be an advantage for me since im getting whole lot of new networks and meet new people easily while others might find it hard to engage and sociably interact with new surroundings.

as a habit, i again ask my all-time online buddy, buncit, if this was true. am i like this? she came up with answer that is diplomatic in my opinion, mainly because it was labour day there and she was in a hurry to go to a party. so she said that i can be but not all the time. explanations were omitted cause she left.

what bothers me the most is that, how come i dont feel the advantages of this particular expertise in my life? or at least this last year of my life. i came across major difficulties in engaging with people and most importantly the people that i think might have the potential to be important in my life.

it is not a matter of me not being able to meet new people and talk to them over drinks and beer. i can still survive that particular conversation, BUT, the next step is what's missing. everytime i find someone im interested in, thus i develop the desire to engage more, so that i can get to know more, i got stuck.

at one point i was so frustrated that i had to just stay silent was not able to provide any reply or feedback. what is wrong with me?

some argue that i am this "social butterffly" yet i am not so sure that i am. or at least at the time being, i cant feel the effect of being one. or am i exactly one? social butterfly, one who flits from one social event to another may not necessarily constitute any in-depth engagement with people. just someone who hop on and off parties and functions without building the sense of belonging and attachment with any group. if this is the case, i am one and im suffering because of it.

i want an in-depth engagement with those i see as potential-future-longlasting element to my life. how do i get it?

Vote for Indonesia's newest National Holiday!!!!

Another yearly event that should be considered by the INdonesian government as a National Holiday. You guess it right. Our own national FLOOD holiday. it should be celebrated around 7 days prior to the chinese new year.

First reason is because people can't really go to work since most of Jakarta's area is flooded, there's no point in spending extra hours to get to work and go back, mine as well enjoy the scenery of people on safety boats trying to move what's left of their belongings to a dry place (detik.com reported that the citizen of tanjung duren really enjoy having to be evacuated with a safety boat).

Second, when there lies wide body of water, electricity will surely be cut off, there's no light, no internet, no TV. you get to spend time, oh i mean Quality TIME with your family members and neighbors. Since on a regular basis we are all to busy to see and greet each other. this holiday would be the perfect time to catch up and hang out. get to know the newcomers in the area.

Third, since there's NO sign of betterment and effort toward solving the problem, it is more likely to happen more and more. Another holiday and the inauguration of this holiday will be a reminder for the people of INdonesia to prepare themselves to refuge and leave their house and move somewhere dry and nice before they got stuck.

FInally, what's there to wait? let's ACT on it right away. Let's ADD one more holiday into our national calendar. Let's be aware of this HOLIDAY.

practice ah.. makes perfect la...

a student would ask her teacher, "miss.. how can i improve my english?" and her teacher would answer "well, you know the answer to that my dear. practice makes perfect".

if i were the student i would say "yeah right!!!"

ideally speaking, practising your english IN an english speaking country would be the ultimate solution to improve you english. at least i would think that way, but what if.. you are in an english speaking country, yet everyone around you speaks your native language... well ladies and gentlemen,say bye-bye to your english.

this is exactly how i feel, before i go into details, this post is not meant to discourage anyone or any instituion, it's just a mere frustration of mine, i think it's that time of the month that i get cranky over stupid things.

back to my explanation, it;s been a month living in an english speaking country, yet i just realized that i am probably only using 20 percent of my english-speaking ability. now, why is that?

first and foremost, im not teaching english anymore, goodbye to at least 4 hours of speaking english a day.
secondly, im around people that speak english, yet they all dont use it or only listen to people speak english and reply in bahasa...

ARGHHHHH!!!!

if this is how it's gonna be from now on, then i dont think i will come back to my home country with an OZ accent. moreover, an OZ friend hehehe. cant believe at the number of my people in this city alone. gosh... hehhe.. the weather sure feels like another country, yet, im still living my old life, even less..

dont really know what to do with it, especially because i found new, cool, exciting acquaintances hehhe.. hopefully this will change. most of my friends join clubs and english society to gain a better practice in english when we are in INDO yet.. once we got here, we just switch back to our native language. huh? is this a pattern? people basically want to speak a language that is not commonly used in a country? so that people wont understand if we're talking about them? or simply we dont feel comfortable about our english profieciency?

enlight me please??