It all started with fear of doing nothing. fear of being left behind and fear of not being where i want to be. So i left and went straight to where it was comfortable, thinking that even if i got stuck there, at the very least, I chose to be there.
We make plans, the universe (or God or some prick) altered your plans.
It turns out, what I have become is nowhere near enough. A year goes by, another 6 months flies.
Throughout this journey, I enjoyed the stay, the environment, the people. I even tried all different kind of things to get me by. Old things, new things, all in the hope of finally reaching another level in life where your path is clear and that you do not need to look for anything else.
You were tempted by new opportunities, swayed with what the future holds as you venture through new horizon. But still, it was all just a phase and there is not future behind it.
At one point, I reached rock bottom. A place where i thought i would never be in. A place where nothing you do works, no matter how hard you try or fight for it.
What is even more unnerving is that you found out why all time, people pass you by, opportunities pass you by and you would be left thinking where the hell was I when all this are happening.
Up to here, I've been praised, put down, encouraged, discriminated, alienated, motivated and provoked.
I decided not to wait any longer. But i also do not know on where to go and where to start again.
The fear that i left behind came back haunting.
I decided to let everything go as it wants to go. Come what may... Que sera sera...
accompanied with persistence I tried everything.
yes. everything.
even those i said i would never tried.
i have lowered my expectations and put my ego aside. prepared of what may be.
The first attempt of an impossible scheme gave hope, as i manage to get a bit of my self-confident back, but the next phase was a bust!
The second try of an impossible scheme managed to gave me going all the way to the last battle. I said to myself, i better start writing all this down, but i still cant. the fear of dissappointment lingers causing me less and less quality sleep.
Finally, the day came. the day which made my mom doubted my achievements (although i am still waiting be convinced that this is an achievement).
I got in.
the second scheme pulls through, after being said to that if i were to get in, that i am either incredibly good, or incredibly well-connected; after having to convince myself that it may not be all that bad and that i may not be all that stupid; after having to hide the fact that i am not busy with anything except running schemes; after having to take up marketing and sales gig.
Gosh... now i can finally exhale...
Just so you know, the end of this leg of the race in my life is the beginning to a maybe dark, twisted, despicable place that i have to go through for the rest of my life.
I can only hope that I can stay sane and focus on what is important.
ps: i got a fortune cookie as i was waiting in vain for the announcement, it says
"You are offered the dream of a lifetime. Say yes!"
:P
